I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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