I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
