I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
