He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
