Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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