I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
