from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
