I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
