I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i now understand why vodka
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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