Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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