Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
