In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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