So drunk its hurt
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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