i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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