I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize