He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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