But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
