Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
