She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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