your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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