think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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