I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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