wanna go halves on a baby?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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