I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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