Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
