i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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