You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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