So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
