I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
