I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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