dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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