tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
