This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My bed smells like the plague
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
