How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
