What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
