I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
