when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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