Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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