i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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