Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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