Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize