so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
