Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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