Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
