remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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