I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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