I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
