god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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