Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
