when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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