Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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