The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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