meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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