tell your sister to shave her snatch
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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