Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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