omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
