I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
