omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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