Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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