a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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