If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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