She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
